Mutants in the Kitchen
by Deneveon
Summary: Five X-Men are forced to go to cooking class after Prf X's chefs and cooks quit. Will they survive? Please read and review! CHAPTER TWO ONLINE.
1. The Assignment

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Cooking School  
  
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CHAPTER ONE: A Call to Cook  
  
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The Boring Disclaimer: Yeah, yeah, I don't own X-Men. Wish I did. But I don't. Marvel owns it, I guess. I DON'T OWN IT! SO DON'T SUE ME! IT'S NOT MINE!  
  
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Author's Note: For anyone who's wondering, I do not cook anything but scrambled eggs (my sunny-side up ones get all guey when the yolk falls over), Spam, ham, bacon, and noodles (the ones in those little plastic cups where you pour hot water into). It was late the other night; everyone was sleeping, when I wondered what would happen if Prof X fired all his cooks or if his chefs quit. I wrote it down the next morning and here's what I came up with!  
  
***  
  
"What?! You can't QUIT! We need you here!" Professor Xavier pleaded his cooks. "Who'll whip us meals for us now?"  
  
"We no more!" His head chef said, his thick accent showing. "We no more like Indiana Jones! We no like whips! We like microwave!"  
  
"No, no! I mean, who's going to cook for us once you're all gone?"  
  
"Not us, that's for sure," the assistant replied, and they all stormed out of Prof X's office.  
  
"Oh, no," he lamented, "What am I going to do now? No one can cook for me, unless…" His eyes widened, and his face lit up. "That's it!" He snapped his fingers. "I'll send some of our mutants to cooking school! Perfect!"  
  
Within a few minutes, five of our heroes were huddled in the professor's office.  
  
"Yeah, Prof?" Gambit asked, scratching his head. "I've got a poker game in fifteen minutes."  
  
"I'm going to the parlor this afternoon," Logan said. After a few seconds, he looked around, noticing Rogue smiling at him, Cyclops and Storm smirking, and Gambit grinning like an idiot. "What?" Realizing his mistake he quickly added, "I mean, the barber. This hair is driving me crazy," and he scratched the back of his neck.  
  
Turning back to X, who was trying to suppress his grin but couldn't, they all took a chair as he told them his plans.  
  
"See, our cooks quit, and we need new ones, so.."  
  
"Oh, no way you're hiring those weird folks who cook gross stuff!" Rogue exclaimed, bolting from her chair.  
  
"No, no," he assured them, "You're way off course. We need new cooks, as I said. But we aren't hiring any new personnel." He paused for effect. "I'm hiring you."  
  
Everyone's eyes widened in horror. They all knew anyone who tried to use the kitchen without proper experience would be doomed to reading long lists of ingredients in the cookbook only to have their work all burned and guey. Believe me, I've done it.  
  
"NO WAY!" Rogue exclaimed, with more energy than ever.  
  
"You've got the wrong guy. I'm not playing Crazy Eights with a tuna fish." Gambit scoffed, smiling in amazement.  
  
"What you want me to do, Prof? Fry the chicken with my lasers?" Scott laughed, more out of nervousness than incredulousness (whatever that word really means), but was quickly silenced by Storm and Logan.  
  
Logan and Storm decided not to say anything, because whatever the Prof wanted ended up that way anyhow.  
  
"Sit, sit!" X said, laughing. "I am thoroughly amused by your humor. But this is a serious situation. I must have you enrolled at the De Countess Fine Cooking at once!"  
  
They all hung their heads in resign.  
  
"Oh, lighten up, people! It's just a week's course! With your knowledge, and, ahem, powers, you will be able to learn the art of the kitchen in no time! Now all of you, I want you ready by tomorrow. You start your classes then. Carry on."  
  
They slowly began their trek to their quarters, in amazement at what just happened. "I cannot believe this," Gambit mumbled.  
  
"You wouldn't believe what happened in the elevator last month either," Rogue replied, trying in vain to comfort her friend.  
  
Storm scoffed. 'This is stupid."  
  
"Now guys, I'm sure we can, uh, survive this thing!" Logan said.  
  
Scott shook his head. "My mother tried to force me to help her in the kitchen. I couldn't survive one HOUR. And now what? One ENTIRE WEEK of torture!"  
  
"It's been nice knowing you all," Rogue muttered grimly.  
  
***  
  
"Ah, wilcum to di Di Cuntes Cuking Class. Ah am Freige Di Cuntes, ah will be yur titcher for naow. Yur quarters will be upstairs. Guud luck!"  
  
Our five heroes trekked up the dormitory's stairs and, upon reaching ther plush hotel rooms, prepared for their worst nightmare.  
  
***  
  
Okay. Was that okay? Hope so. First chapter is always shortest, as I always say. Second will be better, I promise. For now, I want all of you to REVIEW. If I do not get reviews I will never talk to you again nor will I write any more stories from here till forever.  
  
Nah, just kidding. Anyway hope you liked this. Don't blame me; it took me only half an hour to write this with one bathroom break! So there. Enjoy!  
  
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	2. Welcome to the Kitchen

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CHAPTER TWO: And Begin…  
  
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Author's Note: Hey, thanks for the reviews, guys! You really know how to make a lonely author feel better! *sniff* Anyhow, sorry if they sound more like teenagers than superheroes. I thought it might be funnier, that's all.  
  
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"Ah, welcome to your first lesson. We will have fun! Lots and lots of fun!" Countess gave it up after no one smiled or laughed. Her accent was so annoying (to make it easier for you to read, I decided not too let it show) that Scott thought he might be able to make a good excuse out of it. But of course X would just send him back anyway.  
  
"Cooking is an art," Countess started.  
  
"Yeah, and so is sucking the life force of people," Rogue said, muttering.  
  
"Be quiet!" Their mentor snapped. "You pay a lot to learn! Not to talk! Your first lesson will be learning how to cook eggs. Does anybody here know egg?"  
  
"No, but I know the chicken!" Logan laughed out loud.  
  
"Ah, so you be funny, yes? We will be funny when you burn fingers!"  
  
"I'll be able to regenerate them back anyway," Logan sighed.  
  
"Do not worry, ah, Logan, is it? We will have fun. Take your skillets and crack the egg, then pour it into the pan. Go, go ahead. I will demonstrate."  
  
She cracked and poured the egg's yolk and white perfectly.  
  
Scott and Storm managed it out, but got a little yolk on their hands. Logan and Gambit got a lot of yolk on their hands.  
  
"Yeeow!" Rogue said, jumping in her place. "It's still alive! It's still alive!"  
  
Yes, and the chick ran out and started scurrying about in the kitchen like a mouse (I don't think it'll be able to do that if it was a real chick, but it odes make the story interesting, doesn't it?).  
  
"Ah!" Countess shrieked in surprise. "That expensive chick! Catch it!"  
  
Storm tried calling on some lightning to catch it, but that didn't work. Logan scurried around and tripped when he fell over Gambit.  
  
"Logan!" Gambit started.  
  
"It ain't my fault! Why don't you make yourself useful and help?"  
  
"One fried chick coming right up!" Scott announced. With his lasers he fried the small chick's path but missed by a centimeter or so. "Aw, come on, little guy! Come to papa!"  
  
It scurried up Countess' leg. "Ah! Get it off! Get it off!"  
  
It was in her hair.  
  
"Hold still, grandma!" Scott aimed at where the mouse was.  
  
"No! No! Do not do that!"  
  
Fire. No, I mean it. Fire! The chick was still running about, and Countess' hair was, yes, burning.  
  
"AAAAA! SOMEONE GET ME WATER! WATER, I TELL YOU!"  
  
An aide rushed up to soak Countess with cold water, but little flames were still dancing across her head.  
  
"I need a towel, you imbecile! And more water!"  
  
"Oh, I'm sorry, ma'am." He quickly located a yellow towel and wrapped his boss in it. Then he poured more water on her.  
  
"AH!" She shrieked. "Not with the towel on! Oh, you idiot!" Now the towel was drenched too. Then she started reciting French and giving the poor boy a lecture in a language he couldn't understand.  
  
Logan and Gambit were still trying to find the mouse, er, chick, Storm was barking orders to Scott, Rogue was getting her hands ready so she could suck the life out of the thing, and Scott was frying everything in sight.  
  
"There it is!" Storm shrieked. "Get it, Scott, get it!"  
  
"I know, I know! Hold it!"  
  
"Oh, It's in my arm!" Gambit said loudly. "Scott, don't you DARE point your eyes this way! I'm warning you! Don't you do it!"  
  
Scott still did, though, but didn't fire.  
  
"I got it!" Logan slit a little opening in Gambit's jacket, and eased the chick out.  
  
"Time for a little target practice…" Scott grinned.  
  
"No! Scott, I'm telling you, NO!" Scott fired, he missed again, but now Logan's beard and hair was on fire too.  
  
The chick scurried away again, and Logan dipped his head into a bucket of water. He had bald spots and Gambit was laughing at him.  
  
"Shut up!"  
  
"I…can't…help…it…Logan…looks…like…Prof X!"  
  
"Don't you start!"  
  
Storm and Rogue gave up and were sitting in their seats, watching the whole escapade. Scott was apologizing to Logan. Oh, wow, that's definitely a first.  
  
"Sorry, man! I didn't mean to hit you! I meant to fry the chick!"  
  
"Hello! I know that! You know how long it took me get this look with hair gel? Huh?!"  
  
"I said I'm sorry!"  
  
"Well, that's not good enough! If I wasn't in my right mind I'd slice you to bits."  
  
Scott recoiled. "You're NEVER in your right mind!"  
  
"Why you little…" Logan's claws burst out.  
  
Scott rolled his eyes stalked away, trying to spot the little terror.  
  
"Give it up, Scott," Rogue said, "You're just gonna fry someone's hair out again."  
  
"Yeah, you know what? You're right. Why don't I just sit here," he replied sarcastically, "And wait for the fat lady to sing? Oh, no, wait! The fat lady's hair is burnt out too, isn't it?"  
  
"Yep, because of you."  
  
"Well, yeah, but…" Storm cut him off.  
  
"Enough! X is gonna be mad when he finds out what happened."  
  
Gambit was up and grinning. "Naw, I think he'll be a little happier. Now he has someone to sympathize with!"  
  
Logan grumbled a complaint, but it had gone unnoticed anyway.  
  
"The Countess is not gonna be very happy," Storm said.  
  
"Uh, I think we KNOW that, dude!" Rogue replied in her usual sarcastic tone.  
  
"Well, excuse me!"  
  
***  
  
"This is an outrage! A total outrage! The damage caused by your escapade could be worth thousands of dollars!" The Countess scolded in her thick accent.  
  
"If it wasn't for YOUR live egg, it wouldn't have happened in the first place!" Logan defended.  
  
"All right! I forgive you…"  
  
"We didn't ask for your forgiveness," Gambit mumbled.  
  
"Be quiet! Now, I forgive you for now. But I will not tolerate any more of this madness. Is that understood?"  
  
"Yeah, yeah…" They replied, all tired.  
  
"But or course, you will have to pay for a new wig!"  
  
Rogue and Storm giggled, Logan grinned, and Scott acknowledged her. Gambit disregarded her.  
  
"No, I am serious! I am not teaching you like this. Is that understood?"  
  
"Yeah, yeah…" They all repeated.  
  
"Good! Now I must have you clean up the mess you all made. Is that fair?"  
  
"Just as long as you don't expect us to pay for any thing," Storm negotiated.  
  
"All right. Deal."  
  
***  
  
In the coffee shop (I know, a coffee shop in a plush cooking school. Don't blame me, I couldn't think of anything else.), our five heroes meditated on the day's events with decaf and regulars. Rogue had black coffee.  
  
"First day and we screw up," Scott said sadly, "I can't imagine what's gonna happen tomorrow."  
  
Rogue scoffed. "Screwing up is an understatement!"  
  
"I agree," Storm added, sipping her decaf.  
  
Logan arrived with an extra cup of regular coffee. Gambit got up in a hurry to go to the bathroom, and he ran into the bald Wolverine.  
  
His coffee spilled. 'YEEEEEOOOW! WATCH IT!"  
  
"Sorry!" Gambit hurried to the men's room.  
  
***  
  
Hey! I love this! Anyway hope you had fun. I'm gonna upload another story so you won't get bored while waiting for this one's next chapter. Long live the Mutant Cooks! Well, they're not exactly cooks yet…  
  
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